Scientology: A Chronicle from my Teenage Years

I wrote this originally in the Virtual Procrastinators message board many years ago, back when I was living in Puerto Rico, and my best friend RJ and I would get into aimless trouble.

Scientology and Dianetics… just what the hell do we get ourselves into?

Through the course of history, man and religion have walked side by side to be able to cope and make sense of the world. Some say religion is the opium of the masses, others say religion brings hope to humanity… honestly, it doesn’t matter what you think on this subject… what matters is, that you don’t get offended by my Scientology/Dienetics bashing.

As any young bourgeois in my country, I’ve encountered a couple of dead afternoons in which there’s strangely enough nothing to do. Last month had one of those interesting moments; RJ and I had left a meeting and since we were broke and bored, decided to go to the Scientology Church and check out what it was all about. (I have to add, being broke is the worst way you can enter a Scientology Center)

As soon as we enter, God sends us a sign by feasting our eyes with Tom Cruise’s presence in a DVD playback. He, with mad ticked eyes was repeating incoherently “It is a blast! It is a blast!” Never thought I would get freaked out by Mr. Hottie Cruise, but I was. Even though the sign from God could be interpreted by many as “run,” I decided to stay. How else would I fill the need of finding out what else was there to it?

Someone with South American accent approaches us and tells us “What are you interested in?” I say “I want to know what Scientology and Dianetics are about.” Of course, I’m the one talking because apparently my friend was invisible to them, so he just says “Wait a second, please.” A Puerto Rican woman comes out and talks to us for a bit, then makes us watch yet another video. She says before leaving, “When chapter 3 comes up, press stop, because it is all too complex for your understanding.” We nod and start watching. Of course, as I watched, all I could think of was that video’s production values. “They must really be rich.”

A personality test is given to us. My first question is “Do we have to pay for this?” The scientologists chuckle at my remark and say “Of course not.” I’m positive I overheard them thinking, “You’ll pay AFTER we know what’s wrong with you.”

As RJ and I fill out the personality tests, we cannot help but to laugh at some of the questions, “Would I limit myself to having 2 children, even if I had the money to support more?” “Do you justify physical punishment?” I was honestly expecting them to go “Paper or plastic?” “Boxers or Briefs?” TPTB saw us laughing, whispering comments on the tests, and they got upset. One of them told us to seat at different tables because the tests were supposed to be filled individually. I thought they were joking, but when we realized they wanted to separate us, we shut the hell up.

They also made us fill some forms in which we basically expressed what was wrong in us. I said I was unfocused, RJ said she felt invisible. This is mainly what they used to tweak their “join my cult” pitch. They took us into different cubicles and started breaking us down… explaining the joys and wonders Scientology and Dianetics bring.

Basically, Scientology is this church that preaches better living. It gives you motivational booklets related to a various range of subjects. You basically focus in better living from a “survival of the fittest” perspective. They are positive evolutionists (which is bad! Lol) who believe the apt should get rich basically. Ron Howard (Sci-Fi writer, cult founder and leader, even though he’s been dead for more than 20 years) wrote what’s the aim of Scientology: “A civilization without insanity, without criminals and without war, where the able can prosper and honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights.” All this improvement
is achieved by learning how to control your mind. When you learn to control it, you become a type of god.

On the other hand, we have Dianetics. This is basically the treatment used by the Church of Scientology. This therapy consists in an auditing process (similar to hypnosis) called “returning.” When you go into your past, and you relive certain events over and over again, new data is collected that supposedly helps you take the negative charge out of your memories. In other words, when you rethink too much about the same event, you are able to externalize it and reach a level of “clear.” A clear person is a person without “engrams.” Engrams are the traumatic recordings that stick to your reactive mind, and do not let your active mind process coherently. An example: A man walks down the street and a car runs him over. While he’s unconscious, he overhears someone say “I hate my wife.” Afterwards, every time he passes by that street, he turns violent and starts mistreating his wife.

So, going back to our experiences with the cult people. They take my test, put it into a “super” computer, and a chart popped up showing what was wrong with my personality basically. The result for me was “You are overly critical of yourself, and others.” LOL, my next reaction was “…and?” Unfortunately, the printers weren’t working, so I cannot scan you the results so you can make fun of me. What was RJ’s result? Well, we’ll never know because they didn’t even bother feeding the computer her test. Again, they did this after being aware she felt invisible! Great way to show sympathy, huh?

The next step was to convince the idiots (us) of buying the merchandise. They sold us their Dianetics book, their seminar, their seminar booklet, and gave us a FREE Scientology Membership card, that gives us discounts on their products for the course of 6 months! Wow! Great package, eh?

Before leaving, we were starting to freak out. They make us watch this other movie that basically pronounces all sicknesses to be psychosomatic. Ok, now I’ll feel some bashing from the Scientologists coming up, but they DO IMPLY in their religion sickness is the product of a weak mind. Everything from allergies, to paralysis is your own fault, basically.

Another thing that freaked us out was going to the second floor and finding people being “treated” doing all sorts of weird stuff. Talking to themselves, dialoging with others using Sims tongue, etc. Also, we realized to be a member of the religion you have to literally spend thousands of dollars in books, tapes, and congresses. Every level you reach is more and more expensive, till you have to pay thousands for just one book. But what was worst about the second floor wasn’t the people, but Ron Hubbard’s office. They actually had his office/shrine guarded by a golden rope, not allowing humans to trespass. The office’s walls were transparent as well, allowing it to be viewed from every angle. Lets again remember Ron has been dead since 1986, and the odds are he never saw that office. This proves point number #5 from my guide to cults. The cult’s leader becomes more important than the concept the cult stands for.

RJ and I ended up returning twice after that first eerie experience; we still had a seminar to complete!

The class in essence consists of you and your “twin” filling up this booklet on Dianetics and auditing each other. The booklet was full of drawings and there wasn’t much text in each page, reminding me of those pamphlets we used to fill up when were were in 2nd grade. Every time we finished reading a section on Dianetics, the supervisor would come and quiz us orally. Actually, he seemed to have a crush on me; so again, RJ was ignored by yet another cult member. This made her realize they were overlooking her on purpose, and what first appeared to be a joke (she telling them she felt invisible), became her reality.

The second day was far more exciting though; it consisted on practicing auditing on stuffed animals! Our supervisor was constantly nagging cuz we couldn’t help but to crack up at the stories we were making up with those toys. Half the stories consisted on rape, vaginal problems, possession of evil spirits, and occurrences at the Chinese sweatshop. By the time they wanted to hypnotize us for real (by separating us and putting us in tiny rooms) we realized the people were already getting too scary, and we had learned enough about the religion…. So we decided to call it quits.

They still call RJ’s place every Saturday night though, asking if we are planning on returning on Sunday. Unfortunately, RJ and I are too busy planning building my own cult, so there’s no need in joining yet another one.

LOL, kids, you won’t believe it. The Scientologists just called my house as I was finishing writing this. They appear to be upset RJ is not returning their phone calls, so now they are trying to get me (the incredulous one) to convince her of going. So, peeps, what do you say? Should RJ and I finish the seminar and become clears? If you guys check this link http://www.xenu.net/archive/media/time910605.html or just google the word “Scientology” you’d realize it is best NOT to return… Also, you’ll realise why I haven’t done any real Scientology/Dianetics bashing here. I’m literally afraid of the lawsuits!!