Fall 07 – Identity Developement – Mantis in Pantis Pilot

INT / NITE – SUBURBAN HOME

A suburban home is starting to steam up with all the hot action that’s happening between a mantis and a boy. They put their hands together (well, hands and claws) and begin exchanging energy.

CHARONA
That feels really funny.

BOY
It’s nice, eh?

Charona nods as the boy begins to ramble.

BOY
Charona, you and I share something special. Don’t you agree? You are a very sweet girl. And how do I say this… I want to fuck your brains out.

CHARONA
(with a surprised face)Chris… (a moment of uncertainty that soon fades into excitement) I thought you’d never ask!!

The adolescents who are clearly in love begin to kiss.

CHARONA
(referring to the bulk in his pants) I can help you with that.

As Charona’s claws find their way down the boy’s pants, he gets scared.

BOY
(removes the claws) No. It’s alright. I got it!

Boy unzips. And the next clip we see is a zoom out of a hot dog entering Charona’s mouth. It is also being eaten by the boy through the opposite end. They kiss “lady-and-the-tramp” style.

BOY
Ok, enough with this sickening and unrelated reference to Disney that’s filled with amusing yet strong sexual connotations.

They jump at each other. And a lot of “sounds” can be heard that refer to sex. Until you hear the sound of a blade chopping something. The mother enters the room.

MOTHER
What is going on here?

She finds Charona in a corner devouring the boy’s head. AHHHH!!

[INSERT OPENING SEQUENCE HERE]

[RETURN TO SHOW]

INT / DAY – PRISON CELL

As Charona rots in jail for having beheaded an innocent boy, she gets approached by a jail SUPERVISOR, and by a regular GUARD.

SUPERVISOR
I’m happy to say we are going to release you… for good behavior.

CHARONA
Really?

SUPERVISOR
Yeah, well… and also because we ran out of space in jail. Black people and terrorists keep filling it up (says this last part really fast). Well, best of luck. (walks away)

The cell gets opened. Guard and Charona start walking down the hallway.

GUARD
So, I was thinking maybe now that we wont have our hands tied by our guard/prisoner relationship, we could get to know each other better.

CHARONA
Don’t you think it is still unethical and inappropriate?

GUARD
Only if we were running for Congress. Besides, who says anything about a relationship?

CHARONA
Hmmm, ok. But only once. And thinking about it, we could still run for Congress, for the Democrats.

The guard opens an empty cell and starts to touch Charona; she pulls back and says…

CHARONA
No kissing.

They proceed with their erotic activity…. and she sees his neck and feels so tempted. She starts thinking “happy thoughts” about flowers, only to find them mowed. Then her mind proceeds to thoughts of cake, only to find it cut by a giant knife. They complete the act and she didn’t kill him.

GUARD
God, you have the sweetest pussy I ever had… aside from Kathy Griffin’s.

CHARONA
It was good for me too. I’m just glad I didn’t kill you.

GUARD
(as he puts a cigarette into his mouth) Ya got any matches?

Charona extends her claw with the match, as she lits the cigarette, she beheads the guard. The Supervisor can be seen from behind the bars, and he tears the document that stated Charona’s freedom.

SUPERVISOR
Now, not even Jodie Foster can help you.

INT / DAY – EXECUTION ROOM

As ChARONA sits in the electric chair, there’s a lot of conmotion. Someone is shouting “Get your execution season tickets now! Get them now before they run out!”

EXECUTIONER
Any last wishes?

CHARONA
Yes, I wish I had never killed that girl while I was DUI. (Cries)

EXECUTIONER
But you never killed a girl while you were driving.

CHARONA
(Shouts and cries) Then WHY AM I here??? (Cries)

Before the executioner pulls the lever, SPHINCTER, a mysterious rat enters the room abruptly.

SPHINCTER
Not so fast! Last time we checked we were not in Texas!

OIL MILLIONAIRE appears wearing his cowboy hat and boots.

OIL MILLIONAIRE
Yes, we are. I bought all of you yesterday.

SPHINCTER
Be that as it may, you can’t keep her here because… (dramatic music plays) I’m taking full custody over her.

EXECUTIONER
And what makes you think we’ll listen to you?

SPHINCTER
Would you listen to this? (anti-climatically starts looking through his papers and mutters) ‘Online petition for a kidney transplant for little Amelia’… no. ‘Online petition to bring Xena warrior princess back’… no. Aha, here! (extends out a paper) ‘Online petition to save Charona from dying a horrible horrible death at the Electric Chair!’

SPHINCTER
So you see, thanks to this, the Governor just granted her a pardon.

EXECUTIONER
(as he lets go off the lever, with a tear in his eye) He never granted ME a pardon.

Sphincter looks confused. The Executioner continues quite sentimentally…

EXECUTIONER
I broke expensive china at his house-warming party, and even though he said it was ok, I know he still resents me.

Staff members let go off CHARONA. She gets out of her electric chair.

CHARONA
Does this mean I’m free?

Quickly a soldier puts a cone on her head, and get their picture taken with her like they do with prisoners of wars in the Middle East.

SOLDIER
(as the soldier takes off the cone) NOW you can go.

INT / DAY – SPHINCTER’S HOUSE

CHARONA
(as she stuffs fruit and other food into her pockets) Well, thanks for all your help, but I better get going.

SPHINCTER
You aren’t going anywhere, Charona, you are the “chos” one.

CHARONA
The “chos” one?

SPHINCTER
Chosen. Chosen. I meant chosen.

CHARONA
Ahhh, you mean the CHOSEN one.

SPHINCTER
Yes, well, at least one out of three. And I, SPHINCTER SENSEI, have officially adopted you.

CHARONA
Adopt me? Listen, you are a little crazy, I already have a Mother who I love very much, and I’ll call her right now to straighten everything up.

Charona makes a phone call, phone rings for a longer time than expected. Angelina Jolie picks up.

ANGELINA JOLIE
Angelina Jolie’s House of Orphans.

CHARONA
Mom?

ANGELINA JOLIE
Who is this?

CHARONA
Mom, it is me, Charona. I got out of jail. Can you pick me up? I’m at some weirdo’s house.

ANGELINA JOLIE
What? Who is it again?

CHARONA
No, it is your adopted child number 28.9, CHARONA… the green one.

ANGELINA JOLIE
Me? Adopting you. I don’t quite recall.

CHARONA
Mom… don’t joke like that.

ANGELINA JOLIE
Listen CHAMIKUA… or whatever you call yourself, if I were to keep up with all the children I adopt, I would be an excelent parent. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have children to save.

Angelina hangs up the phone. Charona is devastated; she looks at SPHINCTER, and says.

CHARONA
The chosen one, you say…

SPHINCTER
Yes, but before you become the chosen one, you need to go on a quest for knowledge. (as he puts a post-it on her forehead)

CHARONA
(grabs the post-it, and it opens into a ridiculously long list. Starts to read) This is a chores/To-Do List!

SPHINCTER
The quest for knowledge, is a quest for action, and you are only going to learn what to do, by not doing what not-to-do. (as he hands her a mop)

CHARONA
What’s that supposed to mean??

EXT / DAY – GARDEN

Charona is washing the car that’s outside of the house. She notices the presence of another mantis, one not too different from her, only dressed in punk rock clothes. Her name is BRENNY, and she’s clipping the garden flowers with her sharp claws. Charona waves at her, but Brenny doesn’t wave back. She continues clipping uninterested until she finally says.

BRENNY
He’s got you doing his slave labor too, eh?

CHARONA
Well, apparently I’m not the only one. Name is Charona.

BRENNY
I know who you are. You’ve been all over the news thanks to Crocker’s video.

Sphincter spies on them through the window, and writes down ferociously, when he notices that they notice, he quickly closes the curtain.

CHARONA
Sphincter’s a little looney, isn’t he?

BRENNY
Not as looney is him.

She points at Bugs Bunny dressed as a cross-dresser, standing on the street as if he was prostituting himself. A car stops in front of him, and half the window opens. Bugs says, “Eh, whassup, doc?” The voice inside sounds like Elmer’s, and says, “What’s up, eh? hehehe… why don’t you find out?”

BRENNY
I just finished fixing the rose garden, what ya think?

The rose garden looks like shit, and dramatic music accentuates it.

CHARONA
(unsure what to say, but being graceful) It looks lovely.

INT / DAY – BATHROOM FLOOR

As Brennny and Charona scrub the bathroom.

So, do you have my same problem? (pause) That uncontrollable urge to kill everyone you fuck?

BRENNY
You mean, am I a rapist/serial killer like you?

Charona looks down embarrassed.

BRENNY
Yes, I am. We are mantis you know. It is is in our genetic code… we must kill who we fuck. Which, believe it or not, men just love.

CHARONA
You think? (kinda weirded out yet excited)

BRENNY
Oh yeah, that are nasty mother fuckers.

FX: toilet flush.

CUT TO:

Brenny and Charona a eating men’s heads after an orgy in some sort of club.

BRENNY
(with her mouth full) But anyway, we don’t have to worry about killing our lovers much longer, because Sphincter is going to cure us.

CHARONA
(chuckles, and wipes off the blood on her lips) That senile old man? How?

BRENNY
The only way we can be cured, regardless of what Tom Cruise says, through psychotherapy.

CHARONA
Ewww, do you wanna eat the Adam’s apple?

BRENNY
(as she takes it) That’s the best part.

CUT TO:

Charona and Brenny are standing in a corner, looking extremely suspicious, with an “ice cream” truck next to them. They seem to be waiting for someone, as if they were drug dealers.

BRENNY
Sphincter wants to make super heroes out of us… and treat us all at once. (pause) Can you keep a secret?

CHARONA
Of course, you can trust me. I’m your home girl.

BRENNY
Yeah, well, anyway. I sometimes get the feeling he’s also also making a reality tv show of us… with hidden cameras everywhere… like Frank Chu’s 12 Galaxies. (very fast and looking to the side) Don’t tell him I told you.

CHARONA
Shhh. Here they come.

A group of very obvious terrorists wearing “costumes” approach the mantis.

TERRORIST
You’ve got the package?

CHARONA
It is all in the truck.

The terrorists open the back of the truck, and it is filled with weapons of mass destruction. They look at each other and nod.

INT / DAY – Sphincter’s living room.

Sphincter is meditating in his living room, as the mantises interrupt.

BRENNY
Ok, Sphincter, we’ve done everything you asked for in your “Quest for knowledge” list. What’s the next step.

SPHINCTER
The next step, is to complete the team. We must search inside the holy book… the YELLOW book.

BRENNY
Look, if you are looking for a third girl, I’m tellin’ you now she won’t be listed in that yellow book of yours.

SPHINCTER
Silence! Do not contradict me.

There’s a pause. Brenny and Charona look at each other arching their eyebrows.

SPHINCTER
(giving up) Ok. What do you suggest?

CHARONA
Easy, we’ll put an ad on Craigslist.

CUT TO:
Brennny is sitting in front of the computer. She goes through all these ridiculous webcam replies. I want them to be a montage of ridiculousness; everything from famous characters, to crappy cartoons, to real people. I want one of Buffy The Vampire Slayer saying, “I think I should be the one because, lets just say I’m not a stranger to the super-hero business.” Then there’s an Ursula shaking her tentacles.

SPHINCTER (Off Screen)
Ohh, I like that one.

Sphincter has a perverted face on. Brenny looks at him with disgust.

SPHINCTER
What? It is important for your teammate to be sexy. I mean, if she’s going to be a woman, she has to be sexy… otherwise, why would we let women join the workforce?

Brenny is about to kick his ass, Charona stops her by putting a claw on her shoulder.

CHARONA
Lets just continue looking through our replies. How about this one?

Brenny clicks, and we see a video that parodies Legally Blonde’s admission video. COCO, a bleached blonde mantis is floating in a pool with monkey servants around her performing all sorts of servant acts.

COCO
I would love to be a super hero mantis because I’m looking forward to network with all sorts of people, even poor ones! My Dad, Mr. Lionel Ritchie himself (who is known for his generous contributions to non-profits) is quite happy I’m finally gaining direction in life… unlike my sister. (Gets sad) May she rest in peace.

End of transmission. Brenny and Charona just blink in silence. (I want the “blink” sound effect though)

CHARONA
(as she looks at Brenny) Well, it is going to be a difficult choice. But at least one thing is for sure, it will be ANYONE but that last one, that slut Coco.

SPHINCTER
And that’s exactly who we are to get.

An invitation to webcam blinks in the screen, COCO is online. Sphincter pushes Brenny out of the computer and accepts the invitation.

SPHINCTER
Well, hello Ms. Ritchie.

COCO
Hello, bad looking creature. So glad to see you all online!

Brenny and Charona pull Sphincter.

BRENNY
In the kitchen… now!

INT / DAY – KITCHEN

Brenny and Charona drag Sphincter into the kitchen. They let go of him.

BRENNY/CHARONA

We don’t like her. She’s a stuck-up snob!

SPHINCTER
Well, I don’t care. Because my plan was to use the super hero business to fund my psychology business, but I need Coco’s Dad as an investor for my super hero business first, or else there’s just no business!

CHARONA
Wait a minute. That sounds dumb. Why don’t you use Coco’s Dad to invest on your psychology business instead. You would skip (counts with her fingers quickly) 2 unnecessary businesses.

SPHINCTER
(shouting upset) Because then we would have no show!

Sphincter storms out of the kitchen upset.

BRENNY
You do realize we could easily just kill him, and get this over with…

INT / DAY – Living Room

SPHINCTER talks with an excited COCO on webcam.

SPHINCTER
We would love to have you on the show. I mean… as an investor AND member of our crime-fighting and sexy insect team.

Before the rat finishes talking, the front door abruptly opens, and Coco is already in with her luggage. She has starving-monkey servants helping her with her stuff. Brenny and Charona enter the living room. As the monkeys march in lines, carrying her luggage.

COCO
Roommates, I’m home! I’m so glad to be here.

SPHINCTER
(to Brenny and Charona) See, she’s not so bad.

COCO
(As she takes off her sunglasses) Someone had to be the pretty one.

Brenny and Charona exchange glances.

EPISODE DONE. TADA!!!